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“The person I used to be courting instructed me that he’s married”


Query: I am 38 and single. Just recently I met someone at my workplace and felt like I finally found the man of my life. We were going strong when he broke the news to me that he is married. He apologised profusely for not telling me before but he said he felt so loved and comfortable that he didn’t want to ruin things between us. I feel devastated. He makes me happy and wants to continue our arrangement but I am seeking commitment. Help me!

Response by Dr Chandni Tugnait: Hi, thank you for writing to us. It is understandable that you are feeling upset and betrayed after finding out that the man you have been dating is married.

There are a few things you need to consider before deciding what to do next. First, you need to ask yourself if you can trust him. If he has lied to you about this, it is possible that he will lie to you about other things as well. Second, you need to decide if you are okay with continuing the relationship knowing that he is married. Some people are able to handle this type of situation, but others find it too difficult.

Is his wife aware of the affair or is he lying to her as well? Would this relationship contribute to you in the long run? Does his wife know about you?

This situation is certainly confusing and difficult as it can feel like you’ve found the man of your life, only to discover that he is already married. It’s a painful situation to be in, and we’re here to help you sort through your options.

There is no easy answer here. It sounds like you are torn between your feelings for this man and your desire for a committed relationship. On the one hand, he makes you happy and you have a strong connection. On the other hand, you deserve to be with someone who can give you the commitment you deserve.

If you decide that you want to try and work things out with him, you need to set some boundaries. Make it clear that you are not okay with him lying to you and that you expect honesty from him moving forward. You also need to decide if you are willing to be in a relationship with someone who is married. If not, then you need to end things now as there are many lives & relationships at stake here.

Make sure you are both on the same page about what this relationship is and what it isn’t. And be prepared for the possibility that things may not work out in the long run.

If you decide to end the relationship, do so with kindness and respect. This man has obviously been important to you, and you deserve to part ways on good terms.

I highly recommend therapy for you so that you can resolve these issues at the level where they got rooted. Also, it is important to communicate all this to your partner authentically. Do not bottle it up and also don’t lose your temper when you talk to him. It’s important to process your emotions before interaction so that you connect and respond (and not react). Let your emotions be your expression and not your identity.

Allow your partner to take ownership for his actions and get it out of your system, from a space of compassion and not anger or sadness.

It takes a strong person to take responsibility for their actions, apologize fully for what they have done, and find new ways to try and heal things so they can once again live without being stuck in the loops of negativity inside them. Forgiving your partner won’t be easy, but it will be liberating on every level; so connect with him and allow room for forgiveness.

You can still maintain healthy boundaries with him and allow yourself a life of love and gratitude instead of past trauma and resentment.

Lastly, I would recommend that if you are unable to cope with the thoughts, emotions, patterns and the upheaval around all this, do consider seeking therapy. I hope this helps!

For further queries, feel free to book an appointment with us.

Stay Blessed!

Dr. Chandni Tugnait is M.D. (Alternative Medicines), Psychotherapist, Life Coach, Business Coach, NLP Expert, Healer, Founder & Director – Gateway of Healing, with centres in Gurgaon and Faridabad.

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